Boundaries Do Not Hurt People

Setting boundaries is one of the hardest and most uncomfortable things we can do in a relationship.

We don't want to hurt people and we don't want to feel the guilt that can come from asserting our needs.

Not setting our boundaries can cause us enormous stress and lead to a great deal of resentment.

But sometimes that cost feels more bearable than the searing guilt we feel when we assert ourselves.

We don't want to cause people pain and we don't want people to suffer.

But it is important for us to understand that boundaries do not hurt people.

Boundaries force people to sit with themselves.

Boundaries require people to take back their overflow of energy and take responsibility for their own needs, feelings, and impulses.

Yes, this can be difficult for a person because it can be hard to sit with a conflict that is unresolved.  Or a need that is unmet.  Or a feeling that is not validated.  It can be hard to sit with the consequences of our actions.

But this is how people grow.  And by setting a boundary, you are giving them the opportunity to grow.

They may choose not to.  They may choose to not sit with themselves and instead employ a different strategy to try and get their way (see: guilt trip).  

You may have to set your boundary again and again.

You having parameters in your relationships may absolutely affect your relationships.  People may not like it.  

But I have also seen relationships change when one person in the system starts to set different boundaries.

The other person’s offending behavior begins to change as a result.

This doesn’t always happen of course.

Not everyone will respect our boundaries. You may find you are in a relationship that does not “allow” your boundaries or respect them. Saying NO to the entire relationship may be the only option.

IT IS POSSIBLE TO HAVE RELATIONSHIPS THAT HAVE BOTH BOUNDARIES AND CONNECTION.

IN FACT, THOSE ARE THE HEALTHIEST RELATIONSHIPS.

You don’t have to lose yourself to be connected to others.